It is one of life’s great paradoxes. Change is one of the constants in life. We begin considering a story. A caterpillar and a butterfly walk into a café. The barista says, “Hey, didn’t you come in here just yesterday?” The butterfly (pointing to the caterpillar) says, “Nope, that was him yesterday. Today he’s me.” The barista frowns and says, “Well, what’ll you have?” The butterfly smiles and says, “Surprise me. I like to keep things changing.” The caterpillar pipes up with her order “And make it quick — I’ve got big changes to get to as well!”
Change is a reality. A constant in life. This morning, we focus on this constant in life…change. And as we think about change, what change inevitably brings is the reality of loss and the human experience of grief. You might have thought that our topic of “Exploring God’s Presence in Grief” would be entirely about death. And certainly, grief is a journey that one experiences after the death of a loved one. However, I would like for us to consider how ALL change (whether the changes are good or bad) bring about the experience of grief and loss. We celebrated our graduates last month and their celebrations bring about change as their graduations shift to them to new realities in life and with the change comes grief. Our celebration of life for Lynn Robertson tomorrow is also a loss that brings upon loss and the deep feelings of grief. Through the joys and the sorrows of life, we find change and mourning and grief are a part of the journey. So with change being a constant in life, grief is a part of life’s journey. Change occurs when a loved one dies. I know of no one who is getting younger, do you? Change occurs when our health shifts. Change occurs when the world around us is different; when the neighbourhoods shift; when friends move away and new friends enter; when ceremonies celebrate an achievement and new paths are commenced. All of these changes are not, necessarily, bad. They are, however, instances of the shifts we experience in life. For change is that one constant. And change naturally brings on feelings of loss and we process these changes through the human aspect of grief. I would like to pause here for a moment and have us each consider what change is occurring in your life right now. For our purposes just focus on one. What is the change that is in process? The shift are you experiencing? Hold that change in your minds eye…and quietly speak it in your heart.
Now, as we hold onto this shift from one reality to the next, I would like to suggest that If we truly wish to experience the fullness of life, we must embrace the reality of grief along the way. And this is what brings us to this morning’s text from the gospel of John. As Eric mentioned, it is found among the 4 chapters of Jesus’ farewell discourse spoken to his disciples. Jesus’ farewell as he looks towards the cross, his crucifixion, his earthly death. This is Jesus’ farewell. And the term used for this time is “a little while”. Talk about an understatement! Consider the pain, the sorrow, the confusion the disciples will soon experience…and Jesus refers of it as “a little while”. And Jesus’ promise is that after “a little while” their sorrow will turn to joy, their tears will dry, and no one will take their joy away.
Now, getting back to your present experience of loss, we consider these words being spoken not to the disciples two millennia ago, but Jesus words being spoken unto you today. If your grief is causing you confusion, uncertainty, deep pain, Jesus’ promise is that this time (this “little while”) will pass, and your grief will then turn to joy.
So, how does this occur? How do we get to the other side of “a little while?” How does grief resolve? How does one’s pain of loss find comfort, transformation and a new beginning? Many will be familiar with the foundational work of the Swiss Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. After moving to the United States in the 50’s, she did something that had been relatively ‘taboo’ in the medical field. She talked openly about death and dying. She shared a passionate interest in the care of people suffering grief. And in her seminal book “On Death and Dying”, she radically changed how the terminally ill and bereaved were cared for by describing the 5 stages one would naturally experience in their “little while”. While never meant to be linear; rather visited in ebbs and flows, she described the stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Denial are those early reactions of shock when we say “this can’t be happening”. Anger are the masking effects of denial when we ask “why is this happening?” “who is to blame?” Bargaining are those times when we negotiate and make the statements such as: “maybe if I do this / if only” in an effort to minimize the loss. Depression is not of a clinical sort that mental health professionals treat, but rather a natural deep sadness. And finally, acceptance is increasing arrival of feeling “okay” managing in new ways and navigating the path ahead.
The movement of grief therapy in recent years has increasingly shifted away from describing the stages of our grief (which are, of course, very helpful) to describing the helpful work that the grieving person can do to move through their grief. In my recent course that I attended on Grief counselling, I was introduced to some newer work by Psychologist J. William Worden in which he describes the four tasks of mourning: accepting, processing, adjusting, and creating enduring connections. In these four tasks, Worden offers wisdom for helping us walk through the “little while” that Jesus describes. Accepting the reality of the loss is the first task of one’s mourning. Fully acknowledging the change is so critical. It counters the natural tendency of disbelief and denial that occurs in our humanity. In the case of a death: speaking of the loss in the past tense; using the word died rather than “passed away”, burying ashes, donating a loved one’s clothes would be examples of this first task of accepting the reality of the loss.
The second task is processing the pain of grief. Processing is that challenging task of experiencing the emotional pain rather than suppressing or avoiding it. This is a ‘matter of the heart’ and, like the first task of accepting, is also very difficult. But it is, equally, very important. Mourning in this task is about authentically expressing feelings of loneliness, sadness and guilt. Perhaps slow, but over time coming to terms with how our heart is feeling.
The third task of mourning is about adjusting to the terms of the new realities of life. It might be the internal work of adapting one’s sense of self in a new role. The external work of taking on new roles and tasks. Or the spiritual work of re-examining one’s beliefs about faith, meaning and life.
The final task is about finding enduring connections with the deceased as one creates a new future. This is not about “getting over it” ,but rather is about finding ways to stay connected through cherished memories, ongoing legacies and rituals that allow for an ongoing connection with the past as you move into the future.
So, getting back to your own personal loss that you had held onto since the beginning of our conversation, the question is how are you moving through this specific loss in your life. We ALL are moving through this “little while” that Jesus referred to. Perhaps you doing tasks related to accepting, or processing, or adjusting, or finding enduring connections. And we do not do this alone. God is with us throughout life’s times of “a little while”. And thanks be to God for that!
Amen.